redneck rasta

god it has been so long since i have done anything with this thing...i don't even know if people will even read this but i guess it really isn't about all that, is it....or is it?

Life is such a fucking mess right now...I just kind of left the house going on a month ago and the first week or so was good, but it has just seemed to steadily slip down hill since then...School is going to shit, and if i am not at school i am at work, which most of the times is one of the only parts of my day that is good and then....there is the relationship.

I thought that moving out of the house would really start to fix things, but it really hasn't, just made me not be able to leave when i probly should cause well, it is where i am sleeping. kristen is on this whole nazi-mother camgaign about me smoking pot...and it is starting to slowly kill me. I mean i would rather do pot honestly over getting drunk, or fucked up, or tripping...or even cigarettes, but yet, i can do all those other things, but the one thing that actually matters is the one thing she just "cannot allow". I mean when she started dating me i smoked and never said anything or acted to the nature that i was stopping anytime soon if ever. It is something that i truly enjoy, something that really helps to brush away all the bullshit and let me see and be my real self again. But for things that have happened to her in her past and the more recent facts of that she wont give money to help kristen buy a new skirt or even with bills when she needs it, but direct quote "Jessica(her sister) will have a new bong."

So, i have explained to her that i will give up the rest of my life, just not that and we have tried to make compromise after compromise, that i fully fulfill, but yet never ever seem to be enough until she pretty much is breaking it down to me or her. And for any of you that smoke pot out there in the manner which i do, know that it isn't like that at all at all. In alot of ways i think that she feels that i am choosing it over her when really they are two completely seperate things. i mean i tell her i "need" it for stress and sometimes because of her when we have been in heated arguements about it, but i don't really think that it is like that. at all.

Anyway, so i go out to the car today to go to school and low and behold, there is a prefectly fine glass piece sitting right beside my car...i mean come on!!! My bowl got stolen at the party that we had and here is this new bowl...just sitting there. So, earlier i had told her that even though i don't want to at all...i will give it up...in a year. So, i tell her of my discovery and she tells me to leave it alone and not take it and i am just like what...no way. I am not going to smoke anymore than usual...


So now she is all pissed and upset and slowly but surely distancing herself from me and it will equal surely in me giving up something that i dearly treasure for something else that already meant more....i don't understand why she hates me when it gets like this, but i just know that i don't know how much longer i can handle all of this shit

Current Location: (the no) love seat
Current Music: ...not rasta or jam

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stencil of my face...need to lay off of the spray adhesive alittle bit, but it is one of the first times of me working with it, so...i think it turned out pretty well

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okay, trying an lj cut....lets see if it works

cross your fingers...

well, haven't commented on here for awhile, but life is going well

School is starting to wind down, but there is still alot of work to do for me....and i just am hoping that i can get everything done and get good grades so the parents do not kill me. Mary is going fairly decent this year...not as fun or cool as the first one i played, but you will have that when most of the cast is 2/3rds your age...yeah, i feel like an even older man than i normally do.

Things with the little misses are going good. She is alittle distant and amiss at times and it is hard for me to be happy and supportive all of the time, but i am really trying cause i know that she needs me at the moment. I love her immensely and would not know what to do with my life if she was not a large part of it. Kristen Marie, i love you!! You have absolutely nothing to worry about because as i have always said, i am yours for as long as you want me.....hopefully that is for a very long time.

It was really good to finally see alot of my old guy friends that i havent gotten to see in forever. I miss alot of you guys that i hardly ever get to see anymore, but life is going decently well....

I stretched four canvases but still haven't gotten to gesso any of them yet, i am hoping to start doing more art because i haven't done much and i am discovering slowly that i absolutely need art in my life to function happily.



But, otherwise, they have finished putting the cell phone tower up on the hill, so if you are driving through Loudendale and you get cell service, thank my papa for that...


i hope everything keeps going relatively well as it has been cause after everything that has happened in the past weeks, i can't really handle to much more bad shit...and baby, i am trying and i love you...keep me around for alittle while longer, if you can stand it.



everyone, take it easy and get fucked up....love you all
oh, and Against Me! is fucking fantastic...check out the lyrics to anything from the Reinventing Axle Rose album...it is phenominal


peace

Current Location: at the house in L-dale
Current Mood: content
Current Music: Jordan's Last Chance ~ Against Me!

Your back hurts and I rub it.
My back hurts and you tell me tomorrow.

You go through hard times
and i am there to console you,
do sweet things for you,
make life easy as possible for you

I go through hard times
and you tell me you will help me,
but i visit you and you are cold to me,
and coencidintally the four days i need you the most,
are the four days that you start to feel bad,

there are no sweet things for me,
there is no easy-made life,
the only consoling is from others; strangers,

they have made wormsmeat of one of the pillars of my life,
and you are at the bar and having a party at your house...



i am so broken that i am pretty sure the shards have turned to liquid..

But compare me not to a broken light bulb, never to function again, but to the phoenix, for i have already started to rise from the ashes



There have been good time, don't get me wrong, some of the best...but it seems that the salt of my life has now overpowered me and i have been unfortunately diagnosed with a broken heart...time for a triple bipass....

i am not cold from death or cold from not caring...i appear to be "cold" because i have ceased to depend on that which i thought i needed for life....and realized, just as Neo did.....




that is was never really air i was breathing...

Current Location: home...
Current Mood: indescribable
Current Music: Staying Alive ~ Cursive

So...these past days have been interesting.....to say the least

So, halloween was an alright time i guess....it really wasn't what i expected, of course the croud i was with wasn't very crazy or fun seeking, so maybe that had a small part to do with it. But, like always everything is just perfect with kristen and as usual...i fuck things up. She suggests me check her latest update on this thing and i do.....and i see a bunch of people talking about an arguement that me and kristen had had a few days earlier....which was kind of unnerving because i am just like wow...no privacy, cool. But that didn't really bother me as much as seeing all of kristen return comments and realizing that things were not fixed and an agreement had not been arranged and the impression that i had gotten from the convo was completely wrong...

So, i talked to her about it...just saying that i didn't think it was very cool that everyone else is involved in something that is between her and i, but i guess that is the way things are and she needs people to justify that she is right and that i am the crazy one the, whatever she needs to go to sleep at night.....but, don't lie to me and don't say or do things just to shut me up cause that is what really isn't cool...The lack of communication sometimes is amazing

Anyway, so by mentioning it i got the whole pot stirred back up and put her again in a bad mood last night and even worse mood today....just seems like i can't win.

So, i guess what it equals even though relationships are supposed to be equal and balanced and the whole feminist/masonginist thing...is that i am just gonna have to be the man. To not let things effect me and to always be happy, always be the one to drop my side of an arguement or to just forget about the way that i feel in any sort of bad way, bury it deep inside until it can be released by art or music or maybe a gun....shooting a gun that is not shooting myself

And i try to do that most times, but it gets hard when you are trying to smash more of those bad feelings in where there isn't space for them...this normally leads to the "You know what...."


So, i will shut that part of myself off and turn into normal Bo...let everyone see the sunshine and never the rain...even though it is raining so hard it is flooding out my nostrils from the inside...but, if this is what it takes to remain in this relationship, then men were made to take the hardships of life for women, so following my gender destiny, i will suck it up, play nice and not bitch and complain or ask questions that might start an arguement, even if i don't know that they will in the beginning

So ladies, one of the few things i can agree with Carlos Mencia about.....you do have it easier in life...i mean in present day, through out your whole life you have it easier...You only have to deal with the simpler sex....us guys on the other hand....wow



Anyway, i am gonna start acting like a man and less like a little junior high school girl and just grin and bare whatever comes my way...until i can't take it and i feel sorry for the poor unfortunate bastard that stumbles upon me in that state

so, have a bright sun shiny day....cause i know i will be



time to start trimming the fat from my life and get back focused on the things that are really important and necessary to my leading a happy life...


so...
-get back focused on school
-do more art
-stay happy until no one is around to see how miserable i am
-visit my old friends that are always a good time
-see kristen assuming she stills is wanting to be mine and not really fight anymore
-play more music
-and finally...it is post-Athens which means one cold hard thing....

no more cigarettes


so, to all of those having a good day with everything going well, i envy you and i will be there with my painted-on smile soon

peace

Current Location: ...here, there, and no where
Current Mood: for normalicy
Current Music: You Enjoy Myself -- Phish

Yep....went to Athens this weekend...it was good to see alasha and get to play with her alot. Times were good and some of it was baaaad....and someof it just non-eventful, but overall not to bad of a good time. I am sure you will get the better stories from other peoples updates....

i will update more later,

peace

To all those girls (and maybe some guys) who may have now or ever had a crush on me or wanted to date and/or rape me, let me now announce my formal appology to you....



...because i am completely taken. My heart is completely for her and nothing will ever change this. She is undoubtedly my puzzle piece, the the key to my soul, my dark key!


I love you babe...you have me completely



Can any of you fathom what it is like to have met your soulmate...the one person in this world, this lifetime, that you are meant to be with. And at age 21!! I was sure that i was going to have to travel half way around the world and teach her english to find her, but no....she just appeared.

Thank you with all of my heart, and soul, and good karma, Alasha. The gift that you have bestowed upon me of finding my one for me is one that i cannot hope to repay, but fully appreciate. Thank you so very very much.

So, once again, I don't mean to break anyones heart, but if you think that it will end, it isn't going to. So, if you do entertain the thought of being with me...for you sake, forget it.



Ahhhh...i feel like i ate the moon and all of the moonbeams are shouting out from my skin and heart.


okay...sorry if i caused anyone to puke in their mouths alittle, but it is something that needed to be said.


so long story short....i am her and she is me and we are love.


always,
xoxo

Current Mood: amorous
Current Music: She's my little Kristen Marie...

So, life has been super hectic recently. I have had a full schedule between class and fraternity and this play I am donating my bass powers to and trying to keep the girlfriend happy...it is crazy.

But yesterday.....yesterday was a good day.
I got home from class early after wondering around the warehouse district near joe fazio's till it started to rain...found some cool things by the railroad tracks. Umm...came home and started working on this huge painting that I just started working on...I will post pictures once it gets to a picture posting point. What you know bout some illiteration. Anyway, my pawpaw came over and I hung out with him until my dad came home. Then...hung out for a little while and got myself into the mood for performing and drove downtown to play in the blob last night...it is a good time. The show was an excellent and successful one, so being in a good mood, I called kristen....and ended up driving around everywhere with her and bill.

So, we got back to the house....some greenery and tequilla and I was feeling real good...

but I do agree darlin that I think that we have been hitting a few big milestones in the past little while. Things are back to their usual wonderfulness and I am so complete in love with her it is ridiculous. Last night was a great time in relationship world...so all is right with the world.

So, I am stuck at home with a dirty room I guess I will straighten up until I have to go downtown for CYAC madness...and then I was supposed to go out with Kristen and get drunk, but I don't know if it will be happening or not...which I hate cause it rarely does anymore. I wish she was completely comfortable with me and didn't have to do things when I am around or basically not do them cause I am around. It just doesn't feel good to get left out of things...out of everything that is going on...it is the only thing I hate at the moment. But, other than that, everything is excellent. And my little darling darkie is coming to my performance tonight, so that is more than mildly exciting...


Peace and love to all...

Current Location: home...
Current Mood: content

I hate...hate my life right now.


HATE


HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Yeah Fucking right!!




I am ruined and black inside again...

Current Mood: infuriated

So, last night was bipolar as hell! Saw Ryan Haupt and hit up Hallelujah wings(it was a real good time) Then I went home and watched the first half of the football game out in the garage with all of the boys....then, Jordan finally picked me up and the night was on. Hung out with Devin, Jordan, and Kreiger. Finally the party starts up and everything is going fine and then...well, read Kristen's to find out...

From Happy Birthday to a Deep Hole of Depression...

I just wanted one day to be selfish, to not have to worry or cater to other people. I mean, it was my 21st birthday party...



but, alas, such things are not attainable.

Anyway, today is my actual birthday and after the worst start of anyday much less a birthday, it is off to a steady gallop as it should be.


But, its my 21st Birthday today, so, I cannot be too sad.
Thanks to everyone that attended the party and/or sent me a message, I really appreciate it.


Oh, and Devin passed out in Kreigers backyard at like 11:30...that is what I am talkin about!

Current Mood: cheerful
Current Music: Happy Birthday to ME!!

Thanks for everyone who commented on the last post...I really appreciate it. I was having a terrible day and it just got worse and worse as the day went on. But...

...things are better. Kristen and I are better than ever, I know that 3 of the 5 classes I am taking are cool, I saw a bunch of people, and hung out with Kreig, and watched/experienced a wall of rain steadily approach and consume me. It was one of the highlights of my life!!

well...my 21st birthday is coming up on Sunday and hopefully there is going to be a huge party somewhere Saturday night. Plus, Devin is hopefully coming in tomorrow, so...cross your fingers and it will be exciting.

Everyone give me a call or something so you can come to the party...It needs to be crazy.

Current Location: home
Current Mood: enthralled
Current Music: theme music for pee wee's playhouse

So, life this summer has been uneventful, but not neccessarily a bad time. I try to see the g/f friend every chance I get and sometimes(actually most times) she will come down to the house in the morning. I am sure have all heard some about the nights that I do get out of the house, but other than those occations, kind of boring. So, I went out to hang out with all of my UC buddies the other night and all I hear from them is repeating what age I am going to be and making fun of the fact that my life is pretty much controlled by my mother. Let this here and now be my final statement on that subject: I live at home because I cannot afford to live on my own, I go home early because my mom has to be up for work at 4:30 in the morning everyday of the week and to get to my bedroom, I have to walk through her's, and my life is controlled by my parents and have not developed much "trust" with them over the last couple of years. But, I do not like any of this....this is not how I want to live. Trust that everytime you wine "Bo, come on man, stay out later" or say "Bo, you are going to be twenty-one, you shouldn't have to answer to your parents"...that I am thinking the exact same thing. But, when I go home when I am supposed to, I am able to go out more often. That means if I say I have to go, let me go. I mean you can be a little sad I have to leave, but no more of this guilt trip shit...I have had enough of it. So, enjoy the time that I get to spent with you and don't make me feel bad the whole time that I have to go home. Okay?!?!

hhhuuuughhh...I feel a little better. Anyway, on top of all that, I was expecting a morning visit this morning from Kristen, but was informed last night that there wasn't enough gas in the car to see me. That is when the shitty feeling started. I went to bed, woke up still feeling shitty. So, I go and smoke some...that didn't really help: I still felt like a deprested piece of shit, I was just high on top of that. Anyway, I moped around and listen to some angry music and that helped alittle bit. Remembering that Kristen had left me a message on myspace and acouple livejournal entries, I knew after I read those, I would be right as rain. Wrong. Her latest entry just sent me spiraling bakc down, until I read the first one which plateaued me out a little bit. Then, I remembered that Kristen had made me a cd, so out to the car I went. And I listened to it and it did make me feel better....while the music was playing that is. As soon as the last song had played itself out, I felt horrible again. Plus I kept bumping into things and knocking things over. Just like my karma just shit all over me. Said things have been too good, have to get bad for at least a full-day. Anyway, she won't answer her phone...so once again I am pathetically lost. The thing that is bugging me right now is that I feel like I do all of these things for people, but people never do those things back for me. I mean I think of how I would act or treat a person in a given situation and it seems like no one ever does those things. It is a dumb stupid selfish thing to think, but it is what has been floating in my head for the past day, like red in a sea of black.

With how I am treated by friends now a days, I only have one support to keep me happy...my sunshine, my rock. Without you, I am nothing: I am drowning...that is exactly how I feel...like I am drowning. I can't breath hadly, my heart is racing, feel like I am sinking slowly into a large lake of nothingness...with no one to stretch out their hand...


I am waiting..


...and it is almost over my head.

Current Mood: and depressed
Current Music: Rage -- Calm like a Balm

Should I stay or should I go now....should I stay or should I go now....If I go there will be trouble and if I stay it will be double....so you got to let me know...should commit or should I blow....

Current Location: at home

Wow, have things have changed since the last post. Life was so simple and easy when I wrote that. Anyway, life is real crazy for me at the moment. I have all of these choices to make and I feel like I am being pulled in twelve diffent directions by two main groups: the parents and the friends. Here I am stretched thin in the middle. And with all of this added pressure of trying to make everyone happy, things with Kristen keep flip-flopping. One day its great, like always, and then other days it is insane. I mean, for a good couple of days I figured I was going to be single by about this time. But, things are back to where they should be. And I am content in that. All of said pressure left me so exausted and frustrated that I wanted to pull my hair out. So, I did....well kind of. Yes, for everyone that doesn't know or hasn't seen it yet...I have no hair. Its good tho...it was a good feeling. I was in desperate need of a change and that seems to have fulfilled that aspiration. So, day to day life is not all that bad. I get to escape from the house every now and again, but I am open to suggestions from all of those people that I have not seen in forever and I have been dieing to see...you know who you are. Hung out with Maddy, Michelle, and Kate last night..and beside some random drama, it was a good evening. I just hope that life ceases to aim it's shiny steel-toed boot at my balls and aim for at least a shin; Because I am fully aware that life is not done kicking the shit out of me yet. There is one person in the world that my life totally hinges on: when life is kicking me square in the balls, she is my protective testicle cup. Going on this theme, when things are good, life is good and things don't hurt, but when she is gone or mad at me, its steel-toe to testicles again. The saddest thing of all is that she doesn't even know that she is that shiny white plastic layer protecting my boys from certain and impending doom. Hey, I love you...and those words especially after certain events in my life don't come out but on rare occasion.

But, everything is good for the moment. I have a new art project which should help with everything that is going on...because "my art is my salvation". And just to think, the guy that said that hung himself. hmmmm...yep. Don't worry, I am not going to follow suit. I have lived through to much already to call it quits know. You all know me, I am not the suicide type. I am not the drama type either, so anyone trying to start some, don't start it with me because in my state of mind at the moment, you are liable to get your teeth very nicely handed back to you. For all those in my "audience", sorry the show hasn't been available for you to see for a while, but I am working on touring to a town near you. You people are the only people that I care about and thanks to everyone for all the support and love over the years. It truly means the world to me

Alright, that is enough for you all to read for now...hit up the cell and leave a message if you want to get in touch. At the moment, I am up for seeing anybody.

peace

Current Location: home aka prison
Current Mood: content
Current Music: the soft glow of electric sex gleaming in the window

So last week was crazy. No Doubt about that. I was destroyed the whole week and most evenings I saw the sun slowly rising in my window, but no complaints or regrets. So, after brutally punishing my brain for a whole week straight, it was time to go home for the weekend. Did alittle recooperating and found out some bad family news....so, if you talk to me in the next week or so and I seem alittle bit out of it, please disregard. Anyway, other than that things are goin pretty good...anyway, if anyone wants to hang out during the week, give me a call and I will be more than happy to see any of you people that I love dearly and haven't seen in forever.

peace

Current Mood: drained
Current Music: Bright Eyes: Bowl of Oranges

Livejournal....god, it has been a real long time. Just a small update....things are going about the same all over the board: Still no girl to brag about or even really to speak of, school is going excellently, just hanging out and getting fucked up about every night. Went to New York a couple weeks back and absolutely loved it. But, probably the most recent and shocking news is............I got my hair cut. I did, I went in to get it trimmed and ended up minus five or six inches. It happens....check out the pictures either on myspace or facebook. See what you think, I like it....well, it is growing on me. Anyway, anybody in Charleston who gets bored and wants to party or hang out, just give me a call or drop me a line on one of these various internet things.

peace

Current Mood: good

Summer is almost over and I feel bad because some, if not most of you, I have either not seen at all, or have definitely not seen as much as I wanted to. So, to remedy this, If you fit into one of these categories (which is everyone) leave a comment or give me a call so that we can spend some time together...

please leave a comment or give me a call, I would love to see you all!!

peace

Current Mood: determined
Current Music: Shanty For the Arethusa by the Decemberists

well, life has been pretty good...

Met up with Ryan, Sean R., and Hunter at Ryan's house and got real drunk, played some beer pong, bonded...Sarah Q. came over later, it was an excellent time. And the best part of the day was Sarah and I's adventure to try to find weed and coming up short...had to settle for cigs

So, after getting tore down the night before, I had to wake up at 8:30 so that I could be at church at 9 to play bass. So, when I got home, I was all about just sleeping for about four hours, but my mom reminded me that I had to work at 1. so I slept for about an hour and a half then went to work hungover and had to listen to techno for five hours, but there was some cool kids working, so it wasn't too bad.

Got to hang out with all the boys the other night...Went to Chili's and got to see Justin for the first time in a long while. But of course i couldn't go actually hang out with them...had to go home...it really sucked.

Anyway, I am going to Griswald and the Goblin king tomorrow evening, if anyone would like to accompany me that would be excellent. Either leave a comment on here or leave a message on the phone...

alright, counting down the days till school starts up, just taking it day by day

peace

Current Mood: content
Current Music: Coldplay-Till Kingdom Come

I am proud to announce that "THE STREAK HAS BEEN BROKEN!!!!"


that is all...

peace

Current Mood: satisfied
Current Music: sounds of the forest....wink wink